The Lord of The Liddo-Kun
by Akal-Saris
Summary: Remember the play in episode 16 about Goku? What if instead, it was about the LoTR? Here's one way it might unfold!


Disclaimer: I don't own/profit from Love Hina or `The Lord of the Rings'.  
  
Notes before reading: This is not my best work. This will not develop the plot or characters of Love Hina, but maybe it'll make you smile! This is sort of a "What if instead of episode 16's play about Goku, they did this one?" As usual, I enjoy making the reader guess who's who in the play by their mannerisms. Also, the "minor" characters play a much larger role than normal in this fiction, since I love the underdogs =)  
  
The Fellowship of the Liddo-Kun  
  
Haruka put out her cigarette and sighed. "Still no sign of Naru."  
  
Shinobu looked up from the "elven cloaks" she was frantically sewing. "The crowd is getting anxious...I hope Naru-sempai is alright."  
  
Otohime smiled at Keitaro. "Kei-kun, why don't we do this little script I wrote to keep the audience happy for now?"  
  
Curtain Opens!   
  
"Setting: A dark, sandy cave with two young hobbits. One, a pretty girl, is holding a small doll; the boy is looking at her adoringly."  
  
The girl looked up and smiled at the crowd. "It's said that those who go to Mordor shall gain Ultimate Power! When we grow older lets go to Mordor!" Leaning over, she kissed the boy on the cheek.  
  
The boy nodded. "Okay!" His eyes widened as she began to shimmer and disappear.  
  
"No!!!"  
  
The girl waved farewell to him. "Fro-kun, Bai-bai!!"  
  
Curtain Closes!   
  
Keitaro walked backstage just as Naru burst into the door. "I know, I know, I'm almost an hour late! Does anyone have a script?" Naru looked around. "Anyone? Please? NO?"  
  
Haruka shook her head. "Looks like you'll have to wing it. Keitaro, you're on."  
  
Keitaro clenched his fist. "Alright! Lets do this!"  
  
Curtain Opens!   
  
"Setting: A hobbit-hole in The Shire. A hobbit is standing by the window, looking at a small stuffed animal on a pedestal."  
  
"Gandolf should have arrived by now. Drat it, where could the old mage be? Dinner's almost ready." The hobbit looked up suddenly. "What's that? Somebody's knocking on the door!"  
  
Onto the stage steps a tall man in a grey robe (It appears to be a heavily modified lab coat). "Keita...I mean, ...Frodo Baggins?"  
  
"My dear Gandolf! Come in, come in!" Frodo shook the taller man's hand.  
  
"Thank you. Have you got it still?"  
  
"What, this toy? Yes, Bilbo gave it to me before she left to tour the hot springs of the world." Frodo handed it to Gandolf. "I've grown rather attached to it. It reminds me of somebody..."  
  
"This is an artifact of the Evil One, whose name I will not speak here. Observe!" The mage threw the animal into the boiling pot of potatoes (dinner appears to be out of the question now). To Frodo's amazement, fiery letters formed on the head of the animal.  
  
Frodo backed up, dusting off his glasses and replacing them. "Wha-what does it say?"  
  
Gandolf removed the toy. "It is in the language of Mordor. Translated, it says,  
  
-  
  
`One Liddo-kun to rule them all, One Liddo-kun to find them,  
  
One Liddo-kun to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.'  
  
-  
  
So it is written."  
  
Frodo looked suitably awed. "Wow...where'd you learn to read runes?"  
  
Gandolf hem-hawed. "Erm...when you're digging up ancient artifacts, you learn all sorts of things. But this is no time for small talk! You must hurry to Rivendell. Stop by Hinata Inn on the way, where a friend of mine awaits you." Just before leaving, Gandolf turned around. "And remember: Whatever you do, don't cuddle the Liddo-kun!"  
  
Frodo blinked as he watched Gandolf exit stage left. "I'd better start packing then. Perhaps...perhaps *she* will be in Rivendell."  
  
"Hah! Face it, Frodo - you won't last two days if you keep getting all teary-eyed like that!" Frodo turned to see three hobbits crawl down from a hole in his ceiling.  
  
"Sam! And you guys...uh...who are you again? Ack!!" Frodo tried to free himself as the tallest hobbit shook him by the shoulders.  
  
"Idiot!! It's me, Pippin! Your best friend!"  
  
"And I'm Merry, your bosom pal!"  
  
Frodo straightened his glasses as he waved the two back. "Right, I remember now. Still, you can't all go with me. Its simply too dangerous."  
  
Sam rushed up and clung to Frodo's arm pleadingly. "Oh please, Baggins-sempai, don't go without me! What would The Shire be like without you?"  
  
"Well, I really don't think..." Frodo blinked in surprise as Sam pulled out two packs.  
  
"Thank you, sempai!! You won't regret taking me!" Pippin looked over at Merry with a sly look on his face.  
  
"Oh, so that's how it is. I see now...you'll go with Sam, but not us. Just you and her alone on the road, eh?" Both Sam and Frodo turned bright red.  
  
"I think you're right, Pippin. We'd better keep an eye on the two of them."  
  
Frodo snorted. "Out with it, guys. Why DO you two want to join me on a dangerous quest to a fiery volcano, pursued by evil undead and a horde of orcs?"  
  
Pippin sighed. "Ok, I admit it. We're going for the babes! Bound to be lots of sexy warrior-women out there fighting the Evil one!"  
  
Merry sighed as well. "Mmm...elf-babes."  
  
Pippin turned to his friend with a look of surprise. "Dude...for a hobbit, you have weird taste."  
  
Frodo threw up his hands in surrender. "Fine, fine! You guys can come too. Lets just hurry."  
  
Curtain Closes!   
  
Kentaro stomped backstage until he was face-to-face with Haruka. "Dammit, why the hell do I have to be the narrator? Any fool can say the setting before each scene!"  
  
Haruka nodded. "And you're just the fool for the job."  
  
"But it's a waste of my talents! Give me Naru's role! I memorized all her lines! She shouldn't be Boromir anyhow, she's a girl!"  
  
Haruka's face remained expressionless. "Kentaro...it's your line onstage."  
  
"ACK!!" Kentaro rushed back to the stage.  
  
Curtain Opens!   
  
"Hah...heh...phew. Setting: An Inn owned by Butterbur, a pretty bartender. Huff...Frodo and crew hurry in, glad to be somewhere safe after their...whoo...trials."  
  
Everybody in the bar looked up in surprise as four hobbits staggered through the open doorway and into the closest seats. Three elderly patrons stand.  
  
"Four there are now, but there will be more." The first exits the bar.  
  
"There will be more, but shall the burden be shared?" The second exits as well.  
  
"Who can tell how it will end?"  
  
The last of the old men exits in a mysterious gray fog. Sam was the first to speak. "Ano...where did all this mist come from?"  
  
The innkeeper hurried over. "Ara-ara...what brings four hobbits to my inn at this time of night?"  
  
Frodo spoke first. "Urgent business. Are you the friend we are supposed to meet here?"  
  
The waitress smiled sweetly at him. "I am...I am..." She stopped, looking confused. "Ano...which character am I again?"  
  
Sam stood up and quickly whispered something to the waitress, who slapped her head and smiled at Frodo again. "Oh, yes! I'm Butterbur, the forgetful innkeeper!"  
  
Frodo sighed. "I guess Gandolf's friend isn't here then."  
  
Butterbur looked intensely thoughtful. "Ano...how about that dark, hooded, mysterious stranger glaring at you from the corner of the room?"  
  
Frodo turned around and waved. "Uh...hi. Are you Gandolf's friend, sent to meet us and take the One Liddo-kun to- ack!!"  
  
The stranger had rushed over and covered Frodo's mouth with one hand. As the stranger held him, her cloak had fallen, revealing long black hair and a menacing scowl.  
  
"You fool! Don't speak of such things in public!"  
  
"I am called Strider. Gandolf sent me to help you. We must hurry now, for the Evil One has sent his minions for the Liddo-Kun. Quickly now, follow me!"  
  
Curtain Closes!   
  
From the stage, voices suddenly ring out!!  
  
"AAH! Black Riders!"  
  
"Frodo-sempai, watch out!"  
  
"Run, Frodo!"  
  
"Die, Evil Creature! Zankuusen!"  
  
"Frodo!! Are you alright??"  
  
"He's been stabbed! We must get him to Elrond, quickly!"  
  
Curtain Opens!   
  
Frodo woke up to see Sam by his side.  
  
"Sam? Where are we?" Sam looked up, startled and delighted.  
  
"Frodo-sempai! I was so worried!" The two shared a relieved hug when they heard steel drawn.  
  
"URASHIMA..." Both friends jumped away as Strider stalked into the room, hand upon her sword.  
  
"Waa! I'm sorry!" Frodo jumped out of bed, only to be caught by Strider. As she held him by the collar, Strider whispered to Frodo.  
  
"After the play...we will discuss this further..." Strider spoke in a louder tone of voice. "Move along. Elrond awaits you."  
  
Curtain Closes!   
  
Shinobu drew Motoko to the side. "Ano...Motoko?"  
  
"Yes? Has Urashima been bothering you again?" Shinobu waved her hands frantically.  
  
"No! It's just that if you scare Urashima-sempai like that, he won't be able to remember his lines!"  
  
Motoko looked over at Keitaro, who instantly began to tremble. "I see your point."  
  
Curtain Opens!   
  
"Setting: a council of Elves, Dwarves, Men, and Hobbits. In the center sits Elrond Half-Elven. All the council grew silent as he rose to speak."  
  
"The Company of the Liddo-kun shall be Nine; and the Nine Walkers shall be set against the Nine Riders that are evil. With you and your faithful servant Gandolf will go; for this shall be his great task, and maybe the end of his labors."  
  
[AN: This is my absolute favorite quote in LoTR]  
  
"Legolas, you shall represent the Elves on this quest." A thin blond elf launched herself at Frodo.  
  
"YAY! What's a quest?? Can you eat it?" Elrond smiled tolerantly at his sister.  
  
"Gimli son of Gloin shall represent the Dwarves."  
  
"Myu! Myu Myu!" Gimli flew over and perched on Sam's head.  
  
"For the Men, Boromir of Minas Tirith and Strider shall go."  
  
"There remain two more to be found. Those I will consider." Elrond turned to leave when Pippin spoke up.  
  
"Wait a minute! Merry and I will go!" Merry looked at him, startled.  
  
Pippin stage-whispered to Merry. "Think of it...us two with all these babes on the road...something's bound to happen!" The light of comprehension slowly dawned in Merry's eyes.  
  
Elrond nodded slowly. "Let it be so then. You shall go. Now the tale of Nine is filled. In seven days the Company must depart."  
  
Curtain Closes for Intermission!   
  
Curtain Opens!   
  
Gandolf waved his arms expansively at the doorway to Moria. "Here we are, the lost Turtle...I mean...Dwarven city."  
  
Gimli proudly stood in the front of the party. "Myu. Myuuu myuu." Everyone else nodded in agreement.  
  
Gandolf spoke again. "The words read, `The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, *fool*, and enter.' And underneath small and faint is written: `I, Taichi, made them. Mei drew these pretty pictures."  
  
Boromir felt Strider elbow her. "Psst...its your line!"  
  
"Oh! So, Seta...what's the password?"  
  
Gandolf shrugged. "I don't know."  
  
"Then what was the point of bringing us here? Seta no baka!!"  
  
The gates slowly opened.  
  
Gimli stared in amazement. "My-uuuuu."  
  
Strider looked inside. "I agree, quite impressive. Lead on, Gandolf."  
  
Curtain Closes!   
  
Kentaro sighed as he watched Naru quiz Keitaro frantically on Boromir's motivations.  
  
"I hate being the narrator."  
  
"IDIOT! YOU hate YOUR role??" Kentaro turned around. "Huh? Sarah is that yo-AAAAHHH!!!!!!"  
  
"SHUT UP!" Sarah stomped past the quivering Kentaro.  
  
Haruka walked up. "Kentaro, get ready."  
  
Kentaro nodded. "Haruka-san...thank you so much for making me the narrator instead of, um...you know." He jerked his head towards Sarah's retreating back.  
  
Haruka stamped out her cigarette. "I believe in type-casting. You wouldn't make a good Gollum."  
  
Curtain Opens!   
  
"The Company traveled deep into the mines of Moria. There they learned that they were being followed."  
  
"Gollum." The entire Company looked with horror at the small figure radiating evil.  
  
"AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!" Frodo jumped into Boromir's arms.  
  
"AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!" Boromir jumped into Gandolf's arms.  
  
"YAAAAAAA!!!" Sam, Legolas, Merry, and Pippin jumped into Frodo's arms.  
  
"EEEEEEEK!!!! KAME!!! HIKEN...ZANKUSEN!!!!" Strider sent the horrid creature back down to the foul pits it had crawled from.  
  
Gandolf looked worried. "Motoko-chan...that was Sarah in her Gollum costume, not a turtle."  
  
"Oh...my apologies." She didn't look particularly sorry.  
  
The entire party fell silent as a gloomy rumbling began to sound below.  
  
Gimli looked alarmed. "Myuu myuu myu! Myu!"  
  
Gandolf began to sprint for the door. "No doubt about it, Gimli! That's Durin's Bane! Quickly, everyone! Follow me!"  
  
The cast runs offstage and then returns back onstage. Pursuing them back on is a woman in a tight-fitting red jumpsuit, carrying a whip.  
  
Gandolf turned as the others continued to run.  
  
"Fly! This is a foe beyond any of you. I must hold the narrow way. Fly!"  
  
The Balrog leapt for Gandolf, and bore him to the caverns below (stage right).  
  
"Ahaha-hee-hee-ho, Kitsune-chan, stop tickling-hahaha! Oh, right... Fly, you fools!"  
  
The two disappeared into darkness, leaving the party (But not the crowd, which was cheering wildly) speechless with loss. At last Strider stirred them. "We must obey his last command! Follow!"  
  
Curtain Closes!   
  
"Ahahah...you can let go of me now, Kitsune-chan. Aha-hee...Kitsune? We're -heehee, stop that! -offstage now...?"  
  
Motoko and Haruka watched the two roll towards the costume room.  
  
"Haruka-san...isn't Kitsune playing the Lady of the Galadhrim too? And she's on next."  
  
Haruka's face betrayed no emotion. "She appears to be busy. I'll fill in."  
  
Curtain Opens!   
  
"The Companions have arrived at the beautiful forest of Lothlorien. There they are greeted by the ageless Lady of the Forest."  
  
"Greetings, brave warriors. I am Galadriel." Merry was instantly smitten.  
  
"Rroowrrr! Hello-hello!" Pippin looked at his friend with a tinge of disgust.  
  
"Merry...she's thousands of years old. I know you like older women, but DUDE..."  
  
Merry snorted. "HAH! At least I'm not a pedophile! I've seen you eyeing Strider and Sam!"  
  
Strider's eyes narrowed dangerously. "I believe you two are forgetting this is a *children's* play..."  
  
"Ano...the crowd appears to be enjoying it..."  
  
Galadriel coughed (Intentional, or the price of smoking?). "Please, rest here tonight. Tomorrow begins the end of your journey."  
  
Curtain Closes!   
  
Keitaro smiled with relief. "Phew...almost finished." Shinobu tugged at his sleeves sheepishly.  
  
"Ah...Urashima-sempai?"  
  
"Yes? What is it?" Shinobu looked embarrassed.  
  
"I'm scared...in the next scene I have a lot of lines...and I don't know what I'm going to say..."  
  
"Don't worry, Shinobu! Everything will work out for the best!"  
  
Curtain Opens!   
  
"Setting: a small landing where the Company has stopped their ships to rest."  
  
Frodo turned to look at his companions. "I wish to be alone to think for a moment about the Liddo-Kun." He immediately exits the stage. A long pause follows, broken by Kentaro.  
  
"A-h-e-m...Boromir was obviously thinking deeply about what she was about to do." Naru looked towards where Kentaro was hiding.  
  
"Huh? Am I supposed to do something?" Kentaro twitched and continued.  
  
"She heard the Liddo-kun calling her to follow Frodo..." Naru suddenly jumped.  
  
"Oh, right! Bye guys, I want to go follow Frodo!" The cast exits the stage, and Boromir and Frodo walk back onstage a moment later.  
  
"Frodo! Wait up!" Boromir caught up to Frodo. "It's dangerous to travel alone."  
  
"Boromir, I've decided not to take the Liddo-kun to Minas Tirith. I plan on going alone." Boromir showed no change in expression. Offstage, Kentaro fumed and started towards the stage.  
  
"That's the last straw! She's going to wreak the play if I don't stop-urk!" His eyes traveled down a long, long, sword blade until he registered the handle in Motoko's hands.  
  
"Back, weakling. Give her a chance before you barge in."  
  
Frodo gulped. "Uh...Boromir...aren't you going to do something?" Boromir looked confused for a moment.  
  
"Oh, right!" Boromir stepped closer and put her hands on Frodo's shoulder. "As a warrior of Minas Tirith, I can't let you travel into Mordor alone. I'll go with you!"  
  
Motoko stared at the stage and lowered her sword. "Alright, Kentaro. You may now try to save this play..." Kentaro started forward.  
  
"Wait!!" Kentaro stopped as the sword flashed back in front of him. Both Kentaro and Motoko turned to Shinobu. "Ano...the kids are really loving it...and if it makes Urashima-sempai happy...please let Naru-sempai stay on!"  
  
Frodo edged slowly back. "Um...I don't think you're supposed to come with me..." Boromir's eyes began to glow evilly.  
  
"What was that, Keitaro??"  
  
"Nothing! Um...to Mordor then, just the two of us...." Frodo looked back and saw Kentaro hog-tied on the floor with Su sitting on him.  
  
"Alright! Lets go!"  
  
From behind the stage, Otohime's voice could be heard.  
  
"And so Frodo and his Promised One achieved Ultimate Power in Mordor after destroying the Liddo-kun. The world was saved, Gandolf didn't really die, and Butterbur the Innkeeper became the Narrator! Thank-you very much!"  
  
Cast:  
  
Urashima Keitaro as Frodo!  
  
Narusegawa Naru as Boromir!  
  
Motoko Aoyama as Strider!  
  
Shinobu Maehara as Samwise!  
  
Otohime as Butterbur!  
  
Seta as Gandolf!  
  
Haitina as Pippin!  
  
Shirai as Merry!  
  
Kaolla Su as Legolas!  
  
Her brother as Elrond!  
  
Konno Mitsune as the Balrog!  
  
Urashima Haruka as Galadriel!  
  
Tama-chan as Gimli!  
  
Sakata Kentaro as the Narrator!  
  
Sarah McDougal as the Gollum!  
  
Also mentioned: Grandma Hina as Bilbo, Taichi and Mei as members of the Lost Dwarven Civilization. The three old men were patrons at the Hinata Inn.  
  
Note: words written like this are in Japanese. Though until I figure out how to use italics and bold letters on FF.Net, I guess it doesn't matter, ne?  
  
Kame = turtle  
  
Seta no baka = Seta, you idiot  
  
Ano = um...  
  
By: Akal-Saris  
  
Email: [1]akal_saris@yahoo.com. Please R&R if you liked it!! Even if you didn't!!  
  
References  
  
1. mailto:akal_saris@yahoo.com 


End file.
